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Slings And Arrows
|season = 1 |number = 1 |image = File:S1ep1 2.jpg |caption = Policeman Wayne Judd raids Cheryl's house. |imagewidth = 300 |airdate = July 12, 2005 |writer = James Griffin |director = Vanessa Alexander |previous = N/A |next = The Rub }} Slings And Arrows is the first episode of Season One. Synopsis When career criminal Wolfgang West gets put away for four years, his wife Cheryl decides it's time for her family to go straight. But can the Wests change the habits of a lifetime? Plot A man and a woman lie on a bed. He is talking, but she shushes him, and they begin to have sex. Outside the house, 3 police cars pull up. They knock loudly on the front door, interrupting the sex. The woman looks stressed. "No, no, not today", she groans. Wolf opens the door, and is told by a moustached police officer that they have a warrent to search the address. Cheryl wakes up her daughters Pascalle and Loretta, but is worried to find her son Van's bed empty. Loretta enters the kitchen to find a police officer searching the cupboard and taking out boxes of cereal; she quips: "So what is it we've stolen and hidden in the cereal?" Judd asks Wolf where Van is; Wolf replies he has no idea. Judd reveals that a couple of guys broke into an Asian businessman's house last night and put an old lady in hospital; the description given fits Van. Cheryl responds that whatever Judd thinks of the family, they don't beat up on old ladies. Judd mocks the West 'code of honour', but is rebuked when Wolf points out that Judd has no warrant for Van. Judd replies that Van could help assist with their inquiries; Wolf says he'll pass the message on, and that he's getting in the shower. Judd asks about the whereabouts of Jethro; as he and Van are identical, the description could match him also. Cheryl states that they are not identical and that Jethro has nothing to do with this. Cheryl and Judd are now both angry, but they are interrupted by a cry from Pascalle. They rush into her room, where she protests that a cop has been going through her stuff when he has no right to. The cop points out that a search warrent entitles him to search, and that when he found the book, he only looked at 'a couple'. "A couple of what?", Cheryl demands, and opens the book to find near-nude shots of Pascalle. Loretta, who has entered the room, is highly amused. Cheryl drags Pascalle into the bathroom. Pascalle reveals that the book is her incomplete modelling portfolio, the photographs taken by someone called Rene. Pascalle reveals she has to pay Renee $1500, "which is almost half of the $2000 he usually charges!". Cheryl is outraged. "You take your clothes off for this man and you pay him money?!" Pascalle counters with the fact that Cheryl is always imploring her to do something with her life, and now she is. This is more than just a dream; Rene has said she can go all the way to the top, and he would know, since he took photos of Rachel Hunter right when she started. Cheryl leaves the room in disgust, telling Pascalle "you're not paying the man another cent." Pascalle turns to her father for help, but he tells her he's staying right out of this one. Cheryl clears the table as Wolf eats some toast. Judd leaves, telling Wolf "I'll see you there", and reminding him to inform Van he wants to talk to him. Cheryl asks Judd why he always hassles her family and he replies with his motto: "Where there's a crime, there's a member of the West family." The police leave, and Cheryl asks Loretta to pick up Jethro's cake after school. Loretta is annoyed, but Cheryl replies that she is too busy and Loretta walks past the bakery on the way. Loretta volunteers 'useless' Pascalle for the job, but Cheryl counters that Pascalle can't be trusted with money. Loretta says she would rather go to her dad getting sent away than Jethro's capping. Cheryl tells her that's too bad, and that they're going to celebrate her brother's success as a loving family whether she wants to or not! As Wolf dresses for his sentencing on various burglary charges, he mocks the judge who will sentence him. Cheryl is initially amused, but then becomes serious, imploring Wolf not to treat it like a joke. Wolf reminds her that Corky, his lawyer, said he would only be in jail for 9 months, and that they've had worse. Cheryl agrees, then they are interrupted by Loretta, to tell them that Corky has arrived. Loretta hugs Wolf goodbye, complaining that she never gets to go to a sentencing; but Wolf says it's for the best. Corky tells Cheryl he's feeling very good about this case. Wolf hugs Pascalle as well, and tells her to stay beautiful, and that she will eventually become a model. Wolf and Corky leave as the phone rings. Pascalle answers it; it's Grandpa's neighbours, calling to say his flat is burning down. Cheryl, Pascalle, and Loretta go to get Grandpa, who had left chips cooking while he went to the shops to get milk. He invites himself round to live with Cheryl, who acquises. Wolf is waiting outside the courtroom, where he is joined by Jethro, who has come to support his father under the guise of 'research'. Both Wolf and Judd compliment his suit. Cheryl, Loretta, Pascalle, and Grandpa arrive home, and Cheryl sends Loretta off to school and asks Pascalle to set Grandpa up in the caravan. Neither girl is very happy about this; Loretta argues she should look after Grandpa, while Pascalle wants to go to Wolf's sentencing. They are about to separate when Van arrives home, sporting sunglasses. Cheryl pulls them off to reveal a black eye. Van's excuse for this is that he fell down, but Cheryl's not buying it. However, Van denies any knowledge of the home invasion, so Cheryl tells him to go down to the station and clear the matter up with Sergeant Judd. Van want's to go to Wolf's sentencing, but Cheryl replies that only she is going. As Cheryl drives off, a large black car with the numberplate 'H0NG' follows her. Cheryl arrives late at the sentencing, and Wolf has already gone; but not for 9 months, but 4 years, with a minimum non-parole period of 3. Cheryl becomes violent, tells Corky he had better be appealing and then to "piss off before I clock you." Corky tells Cheryl he'll call her later and leaves. Cheryl is still fuming, but she is interrupted by a phone call form Pascalle, who says she can't look after Grandpa anymore, as he is calling her Grandma and putting the moves on her. Cheryl reminds her of Grandpa's Alzeimer's, but Pascalle delivers an ultimatum: if Cheryl doesn't return home immediately, Pascalle is out of there. Cheryl tells Jethro to get ready for his ceremony. He tells her she doesn't have to come, but she says she wants to be there, and the others don't have a choice. As Jethro is the first member of the West family to graduate University, Cheryl wouldn't miss it for anything. Cheryl gets in her car, passing the 'H0NG' licence plate car again. Cheryl heads to Loretta's school to pick her up, but finds she's not there, with her class and teacher variously believing she's sick with asthma, doing work experience at the animal shelter, at a school for gifted kids, on periodic detention, or dead. Cheryl confronts the school's deputy principal, Caroline Darling, who agrees to look into the matter. However, when Cheryl has left, she becomes agitated. Cheryl next arrives at the Video Hut, where Loretta's friend Kurt works, and finds Loretta in the film festival section. After expressing anger that Loretta doesn't take her education seriously enough, she reveals Wolf's sentence, stunning Loretta. Then she enquires about how Loretta was able to get away with it for so long. It is revealed in a flashback that Jethro slept with Caroline when he was only 15, and Loretta is blackmailing Caroline with photos she took. Loretta and Cheryl return home, where Pascalle states that she does not want to live in the same house as Grandpa. Cheryl says she's going out, she doesn't want either of them to leave, and she wants them looking nice for Jethro. She then asks where Van is, to which Pascalle replies he said he had 'business'. Van is revealed to be in a large empty building with two other men. One of them, Eric, tells him Judd is looking for him, and sympathises with him about Wolf getting 4 years. Van, who has not heard the news, is shocked. Eric then muses on whether Cheryl will get lonely while Wolf is in jail. Van asks Eric not to tell his mum about the transaction they've just completed; he tries to convince Eric that he has a valuable Chinese statue, which Eric buys off him for 50 bucks. He then inquires about what happened to Van's eye. The other guy, Munter, laughs; Van is embarrassed and replies 'Nothing.' It is revealed through flashback that Van and Munter were the guys who broke into the Asian businessman's house. They stole various bits of electronic equipment, and Munter grabbed the statue, as Van thought it might be worth something. However, they were interrupted by an old Asian woman, who kicked Van to the floor, and then kicked him in the face, giving him his black eye. Munter ran off, and Van was only saved by the fact that the old lady put her hip out kicking him. The 'H0NG' car drives up to West Galleria, a furniture and appliance store that sells stolen goods, run by Eric and Wolf. A young woman gets out. Inside, Eric is comforting Cheryl, who asks if he knows of any jobs done recently; Eric denies any knowledge. He then asks how they'll cope without Wolf; Cheryl says they'll go on like they always have. The woman from the Hong car, Tracy, enters the shop, and informs Cheryl that a beanie with Van's name sown into it was found on their living room floor, and the evidence will 'turn up' if they don't get back the statue, which is a priceless family heirloom. Cheryl finds Van, and confronts him with the knowledge she's obtained from Tracy Hong. Van points out that he was attacked, not the other way around, but Cheryl tells him to get the ornament back. Van says he can, then goes to visit his father. He tells Wolf about the statue, and shares his theory that because the statue is so ugly, the only reason Mr Hong could want it back is if it has something inside: namely, drugs. Wolf advises Van to check it out, and reminds him that with Wolf in jail, Van is now the man of the house. Pascalle, Loretta and Grandpa are at home; Pascalle asks Loretta to lend her the $1500, but Loretta recommends going to Work and Income. The phone rings: it's Jethro, asking Loretta to lunch, to talk about possible consequences of her blackmail of Caroline. Pascalle leaves to go to Work and Income, so Loretta takes Grandpa with her to visit Jethro. At Work and Income, Pascalle is trying to get an advance on her benefit so she can launch her modelling career, but the Work and Income man points out that they don't give out advances. However, he tells her he'll see what he can do and takes the portfolio. He is gone for a while, and Pascalle gets impatient. She goes to find out what's going on, and discovers a group of men are making photocopies of her portfolio. She becomes angry, and attacks the Work and Income man with a stapler. Van meets with Eric again to buy the statue back; however, Eric won't go under $500. Van protests, but when Eric threatens to reveal the deal to Cheryl, he has no choice. Once Eric leaves, Van puts the statue in the boot of his car and smashes it with a wheel brace, revealing it is empty; it was a genuine heirloom, nothing more. Grandpa and Loretta have arrived at Jethro's work, Trapman & Stierson Law, and Loretta immediately points out to Jethro that the situation is all Caroline's fault: she should have made up an excuse to Cheryl to buy them some time. Jethro re-introduces his boss, John Stierson, to Loretta, who accuses him off not supporting her tangata whenua. It is revealed that when Jethro applied for his job with the company, he told them that he was half-Māori, and they hired him so the company would appear more racially sensitive. He now pays Loretta to pretend to be Māori every time she visits him at work. Cheryl arrives home and finds Van. She inquires about the statue, to which he reveals he smashed it because he thought it contained drugs. Cheryl is furious, as the Wests don't deal in drugs, but Van counters that Wolf ended up in prison for following the West 'code of honour', and maybe it's time to reconsider some things. They are interrupted by a knock at the door: it's Sergeant Judd, who has escorted Pascalle home after WINZ decided not to press charges. Loretta and Grandpa arrive home at the same time; Loretta is highly amused at the circumstances. Cheryl tells the four of them not to leave the house, and goes to confront Wolf. At the prison, Cheryl angrily points out that Van will be able to keep Wolf company, as he will be put in prison for the home invasion; however he may be killed for dealing drugs in prison before he gets out. Wolf says that Cheryl should stay out of this, because she doesn't have the balls, and Van knows that "you go where the money is, or you get out." Outside, in the car, Cheryl smokes and cries, then rings Eric and asks him to clear out the shop's accounts. She picks up the money, gives the shop keys to Eric, and leaves for the Hong's. She tells Mr Hong about the destruction of his statue, and then reveals that if he sends Van to prison, it will start a war between their families, which neither of them want. The other option, which Mr Hong accepts, is that he is paid off with the shop money. Back at home, Grandpa reveals to Loretta that he burnt his house down deliberately, because he was feeling lonely living by himself. Cheryl returns, and reveals she's been thinking: Wolf told her "you go where the money is, or you get out", so they're getting out, because going where the money is has just landed Wolf in jail for 4 years. She has rang WINZ and told them to give Pascalle the first job that comes up; she has told Miss Darling that Loretta will now have perfect attendance; and she's paid off the Hongs, who Van will start work for tomorrow. The family will not commit any more crimes, starting today. She leaves the room to do her hair; Ted laughs uproarously. That night, the family are celebrating Jethro's capping in their backyard. Pascalle and Van think Cheryl will get over her 'no-crime' policy, but Loretta's not so sure. Jethro is amused - he's been training to defend his family, and now they won't be committing crimes any longer! Judd arrives, to tell Cheryl that the Hongs have changed the description of their home invader to an 8-foot tall Tongan, so Van is off the hook. She tells Judd the Wests won't be bothering him anymore; he is highly amused and says it can't be done. Pascalle now has a job in a fish and chip shop, Loretta attends school, and Van is cleaning leaves out of the Hong's pool. Cheryl has a job as a checkout operater at a supermarket. Van tells Wolf about Cheryl's plan; Wolf is extremely amused. Cast *Cheryl West - Robyn Malcolm *Wolfgang West - Grant Bowler *Jethro West - Antony Starr *Van West - Antony Starr *Pascalle West - Siobhan Marshall *Loretta West - Antonia Prebble *Theodore West - Frank Whitten *Wayne Judd - Kirk Torrance *Eric - Brian Sergent *Munter - Tammy Davis *Caroline Darling - Katrina Browne *Glen Hickey - Rohan Glynn *Kurt Walminster - Dane Dawson *Tracy Hong - Michelle Ang *Mr Hong - Trevor Sai Louie *John Stierson - Roy Ward *Mr Smail - Charles Unwin *Corky - Jason Hoyte *WINZ Guy - James Ashcroft Crew Music Trivia Car license-plate numbers spotted: Wayne Judd's car: ZP8822 Cheryl's car: ACU560 Van's car: ZS2632 Mr Hong's car: H0NG Category:Season One